on the floor
pale blue lips
her lungs threatened
I watch you sleep,
Your breaths shallow and deep,
And you don't know it yet,
That my mind swirls with instant regrets.
I can't bear to see you go,
For you will, eventually, I know,
And if I were to fall and bleed,
Only you would know how to fix me.
If I were to be lost with doubt,
Only you could seek me out,
And fix these broken parts,
And seam my breaking heart.
Without you things seem in a haze,
And some say it is merely a phase,
But if I were to forget whom I was,
Only you could find a cause.
A reason to be here today,
A permanent reason to stay.
And as the hungry fire consumes us all,
I press myself against this wall,
And know that if I were to break,
The pieces of my heart I'd let you take.
Its all I can hear,
All I can bear,
This mind that only ponders,
If I were to forget my place,
Seal myself inside a case,
I would want you to save me,
Because without you, things are hazy.
The Lying GameHave you ever felt love
so divine yet unreal
so beautiful yet forbidden
so unwanted yet sealed?
Have you ever clicked with someone
you never thought to see
in such a divine way
they made your heart fill with glee?
Is it so much to ask
to want to hold someone's hand
yet still they hide from you
and you run at their demand?
Is it to much to want
them to see you in the same light
to fill the hole in your heart
and the empty space in your night?
To wrap them in your arms
and never let them go
and yet here you love them
and they don't even know.
Half hidden love
is quite a shame
yet the fault is the one
who plays the Lying Game.
-9:07 pm, 4/21/13
The Happiest MiseryThe happiest hours of life
Are the early hours of the morning
When one might wake in a sleep haze
Without the identity of their society upon them.
~8:59 pm, 2/9/13
Something to end the misery
Of watching this glorious march
Through gray and endless days.
~9:00 pm, 2/9/13
me a story
of a past
~9:02 pm, 2/9/13
Coffin of GlassI heard you settled down
In a valley in the forest
With your little forest friends
Remaining loyal as you weep.
You remind me of a tale
One I like to call Snow White
Slowly fading to eternity
In a coffin made of glass.
Drowning HerselfShe was drowning
of iridescent pain
around her neck
gulping in air
upon the surface
Whispers in the Darklittle whispers in the dark
in the early hours
of the morning
in the dark.
~8:48 pm, 2/9/13
Wars and PeopleI've got a war in my mind
Yes some might say its true
All I know from this point on
Is the war started off with you.
~8:35 pm, 2/9/13
Who are you?
Are you the shadows
that follow me?
Are you the copy
that teases me?
Are you the dreams
upon my eyelids?
Are you the demon
that taunts my night?
Are you my hope
of the day's tomorrow?
Are you a bird,
without wings to fly?
Who are you?
It seems I've forgotten
your name and your address
So why waste my time
On the worries in my head
When it makes me lay awake
On my very bed.
~8:43 pm, 2/9/13
MonstersWatching my own insanity
From the tip top of my head
For the monsters that I've known for years
Are no longer under the bed.
They came for me long ago,
Moved straight to my head
To watch my skin now bruised and blue
Oh, they watched it as it bled.
InsanityI have a box full of wishes
Most of them about you
I hope that a may see a star
To make them all come true.
~8:22 pm, 2/9/13
In my closet is a skeleton
Its boney and its pale
Its dusty and red
From where it bled,
In that most peculiar tale.
Yes it is peculiar,
But it is also true,
Right down to the wishing bones
Where I may have wished for you.
~8:25 pm, 2/9/13
My room expresses who I am
In its truest form
An everchanging insanity
To whoms secrets I have sworn.
~8:28 pm, 2/9/13
How To Fit InHow to Fit In
Let’s start off with your appearance.
Because you need a disguise to hide
Inside of a crowd.
Strip yourself of all of the clothing you use to express yourself.
So you can get lost,
And never be found.
Fix your hair,
Cake on some make up
Because in a crowd.
Looks will always speak louder than words.
People don’t want to hear what you have to say,
They just want to see a pretty face.
Fix your eyes that are too big.
You have too many ideas.
They rage around inside your head,
Like birds trying to escape a cage.
But never write those ideas down on a page.
Is a sin.
When you’re trying to fit in.
Just let them fly away.
Never to be seen again.
Now that you’re vapid,
Dull as a rock.
Not an original thought to be seen.
Yes, you’ve achieved
But was it actually worth it?
Trading in everything that makes you so spectacular.
To fit in with the rest of the main stream crowd.
Stop trying to
Only your body.
To what matters
Only to what has value to him.
Your marvelous self
radiancei am running
on blood and light
fluttering firefly chasms
in spaces once
i spit silver silences
that colour quickfire
a vivid fragility
i'm not faded;
A Letter To The Girl Who Hates Her BodyA letter to the girl who hates her body.
A letter to that girl
Who scrolls through tumblr.
Admiring all of those models.
With thigh gaps that look cute with skirts.
And a waist that you can barely see.
A letter to the girl
Who looks at models,
For their curves.
The way their hips go outwards
And their size D cup breasts.
Please don't look in the mirror,
And hate the girl you see.
That girl is you
And she should be loved unconditionally.
Because you deserve love.
And how much love is not determined on your waist size,
Whether you're chubby or skinny
You're still so very pretty.
You're so perfect.
So for every time you look in that mirror.
And tell yourself you aren't worth it.
That you're arms are too big,
Your hips aren't big enough.
I am a woman.
I am strong.
I have a body like a castle.
A kingdom made just for me.
And I will not destroy that castle,
By trying to starve myself.
By taking brick by brick and dismantling it
The Girl Who Was Afraid To BeShe speaks to me fondly
of passions and talents,
of guitars and stars,
with such breathless intensity
then stops short and
for speaking at all.
All because somewhere in her life,
someone she loved broke her heart
her beautiful words
and telling her to
keep it down,
People aren’t born sad.
We make them that way.
Dreaming Keeps the Dreamer SaneTo the dreamer.
The one who sits and stares into corners of the class room.
Dreaming of some place better.
Whether that place is real or not.
It is just anywhere other than here.
We paint over the whites of the walls.
Our minds are the paint and our eyes are the brushes.
Turning ordinary objects into castles that stand 30 feet tall.
And people into characters for our plays,
That fill our imaginative brains.
We tune out the lectures out of boredom or from wanting to escape.
We turn the blank of our note book's page
Into a mess of jumbled words of a song.
That we once heard as a conversation in a coffee shop,
It sounded like a soft tune then, just filling the silence
With soft mumbles and whispers,
Of a stranger's life that we heard bits and pieces of.
We create symphonies out of the rain
As the thunder rolls in the distance.
We turn the noise into music in our brains.
Something to distract us from the pain,
Because in the end,
Dreaming keeps the dreamer sane.
That's So Gay"That's so gay,"
Is what you say,
You've pushed one
Of your friends away.
"Oh no, honey,
Boys don't play
With Barbie dolls."
By enforcing gender roles,
You are killing
And telling them
That you'll love them no matter what*
Don't push your loved ones
With things you do or say,
Because words hurt;
But they hurt most
From the mouths of
The people that told you,
They'd always love you.
Saying, "that's so gay",
Or making them behave
In a gendered way,
Is telling them
That it's not okay
To be something
They can't help.
(And even if they could,
And it will hurt them
And every time you're together,
They'll be wondering;
"Am I wrong?"
"Do I really belong?"
Every time you say something like,
"That's so gay",
You burn someone's trust away.
And you can't build anything back
You Can't Compare PainAny pain is valid.
Some pain might be stronger than others,
And might be there for more tragic reasons.
But don't tell someone to be tougher.
Because someone else has it rougher than them.
The person you're saying that to
While the stuff they're going through
Might not be as bad as stuff others are.
It is still pain.
And pain hurts no matter what type of rain
Whether a drizzle or a downpour.
You're still going to feel the ice cold water pellets
On your skin.
I've heard someone say,
That you can't be depressed because you have a roof over you head.
And while I am very, very sorry that some can't say the same.
You should be ashamed
For saying such a thing.
Pain is not something that can be ranked,
It is not something you can compare.
We all still feel depression and despair.
Because we're all humans with emotions
Everyone gets sad.
So don't go and make someone feel bad
For feeling a certain way.
It Was Never You...It really wasn't...
And I know that I can twist this truth as much as I want...
Whenever I'm sober, when I know I can put up that fake plastic smile;
Just a few formal words that burn like acid from a liar's lips!
"Differences in personality, a divergence in ideals..."
Please, fucking, SPARE ME!
Because when I look in this mirror, I know.
When I see myself looking back at me, I know.
Right here, right in front of my own blackened self;
Those eyes that both reflect and stare into my dingy soul.
I was the problem.
I was the instigator.
I was the perpetrator.
And when I had broken every last bit of her,
I was the one, who let it all fall to pieces.
So please, you don't have to feel sorry for me,
I am a bastard and I've got a very special place in hell waiting for me...
- Word of Chen, Darkest Hour, 16th February 2015